A History • Posts Tagged ‘sad’

I don’t really notice how unhappy I am until I’m out of school with nothing motivating to do.

Like, I truly, honest to god, hate my job. 

My social life is all right, not amazing, but I have some really awesome friends and we have a lot of fun together. My love/sex/dating life is completely and totally non-existent, which, I’ll admit, is completely by choice, but I still hate it. 

But… I dunno, I guess I just need something fulfilling to do… something I like and keeps me motivated, like even though school stresses me out to no end and I don’t always do super well at least I love it. I love learning and being in a classroom full of people and having all those assignments to complete and readings to do, I guess it gives me some sense of importance or whatever, totally lame, but it definitely keeps me sane in a way. 

I know I’ll be just fine when my summer classes start, but god it sucks waiting and I don’t have a fucking clue what will happen when there over, nor do I want to think about it a whole lot. 

Anyway, feeling super fucking unmotivated and crappy and in a just-want-to-lay-in-bed-with-a-book/movie/tv show-all-day kind of mood. 

My social life is feeling a bit empty lately,

I think I’ve let some friendships slide,

Ones I never intend(ed) to lose and I’m sad about it. 

I keep trying to fill my time with things and activities and people and places…

But I never quite fit in, or belong, or get accepted, 

I have always been on the outside, or the edge of things looking in. 

I feel like some identities I don’t quite know how to own, 

Or I just don’t want to. 

I think you rarely meet those special people you just click with and want to spend all your time with and don’t have to explain yourself too 

And when I do meet them I never want to let them out of my life,

but sometimes the feeling just fades away or they slip out of your life and it’s really nobodies fault, but you’re left with a giant, empty, hole where they were and you desperately try to fill it and you can’t because what could ever replace that person but that person? Not even another person and it happens again and again until you just give up on having that one awesome best friend you can call for whatever whenever, or that one perfect lover who never breaks your heart and you move along in life, never really belonging, jumping from thing to hobby to thing to person waiting for someone to be waiting for you with open arms. 

I hate it when bad things happen i almost always use it as an excuse to shrink responsibilities.

I can’t help it that I’m sensitive and get upset when one of my closest friends is really sick.

But now I’m gonna be so fucking behind this week and i just don’t even care and i want life to just freeze for a moment so can get my barrings and figure out what to do next.

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I do not feel very confident or pretty or smart or together or anything today.  I spent the entire afternoon in the hospital visiting then came home and cooked and watched Miss Marple murder mysteries. Which are my absolute favourite kind of murder mysteries.  Except the series I’m watching suddenly changes actresses for Miss Marple part way through… very confusing. The new Miss Marple isn’t nearly as awesome as the first one.  Oh well.  I think I’m feeling almost sane now (read so exhausted I can’t keep my eyes open) so it’s time to sleeeeep and hope nothing dreadful happens tomorrow.  Goodnight tumblr. 
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I do not feel very confident or pretty or smart or together or anything today. 

I spent the entire afternoon in the hospital visiting then came home and cooked and watched Miss Marple murder mysteries. Which are my absolute favourite kind of murder mysteries. 

Except the series I’m watching suddenly changes actresses for Miss Marple part way through… very confusing. The new Miss Marple isn’t nearly as awesome as the first one. 

Oh well. 

I think I’m feeling almost sane now (read so exhausted I can’t keep my eyes open) so it’s time to sleeeeep and hope nothing dreadful happens tomorrow. 

Goodnight tumblr. 

Sigh.

feeling bitter about valentines day this year. 

Could the world just stop reminding me how single I am?

I just don’t need to remember that right now thank you. 

I need to stop beating myself up about this and stop fucking caring. Honestly. 

Please just remind me how brilliant I am right now. Feeling a bit low on the self-love thing right now.  I need a boost. 
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Please just remind me how brilliant I am right now.

Feeling a bit low on the self-love thing right now. 

I need a boost. 

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